I hate the neighbors across the street

The following is a letter that I wrote to my neighbors across the street.  I'm still deciding whether or not I'm going to send it to them:

Dear Drivers in the Riley Family,

I am concerned with the parking situation I have found outside your residence.  There is consistently at least one vehicle parked outside your home at all times, day or night.  Often there are two or more vehicles present.  In the latest instance, the morning of Tuesday, October 20, 2009, all four of the vehicles owned or driven by members of your family (green Dodge minivan, light blue Chrysler minivan, red Dodge pickup truck, and grey Buick sedan) were parked on the street outside your residence.

This occurrence is perplexing to me since there is ample space on your driveway and presumably a two-car garage, which is customary in this neighborhood, in which to house these vehicles.  Not only do you run the risk of damage to the vehicles by leaving them parked on the street overnight due to reckless drivers and restless adolescents, they pose a threat to normal traffic flow through the neighborhood itself.  I understand that the central location of your home within the neighborhood means that the bypassing traffic is limited; however, there remains a steady flow of vehicles to and from the other residences surrounding your home.

In addition, the location of the vehicles is problematic to the drivers in the house across the street from you.  If someone from this residence wishes to exit their driveway, they run the constant risk of accidentally hitting one of your vehicles due to their location directly behind the driveway.  Regardless of the quality of their driving, they may be unable to avoid your vehicles due to blind spots and inclement weather hazards, which will become even more prevalent in the upcoming winter months.  What is further puzzling about this situation is that, somehow, the residents at the house across the street manage to contain 7-8 vehicles on their premises without resorting to polluting the street space.  Their driveway is also arguably smaller in size than your own.

Aside from being a nuisance to your neighbors, the location of your vehicles can disrupt the operation of other services, such as the daily delivery of mail by the US Postal Service; the delivery of packages from couriers, such as UPS and FedEx; the weekly collection of garbage; and, in the coming months, the collection of leaves and the plowing of snow.  These service providers should not have to be inconvenienced on a daily or weekly basis due to your lack of spatial planning.

Finally, when pondering this aggravating situation, one has to wonder the point of having so many vehicles in one household with so few drivers.  Out of the four members of your family, only two are legally allowed to operate a vehicle.  I understand your desire for versatility in owning a truck for hauling, a minivan to carry all members of the family, and a sedan for work purposes, but the second minivan?  I cannot find a logical explanation for this automobile.  Did you miss out on the Cash for Clunkers stimulus money?  Are you nostalgic for washed-up minivan models?  Please consider consolidating your fleet of motor vehicles or expanding your driveway space to accommodate the vehicles you presently own.

If this parking situation is not rectified, I will have to find alternative approaches to resolving the matter, such as egging your house on Devil's Night, suggesting a no overnight street parking regulation to be implemented in the neighborhood, or informing authorities of your disruptive parking habits.  I hope you carefully consider the points addressed in this letter and the effect your vehicles have on others in the neighborhood.

Sincerely,

Concerned Resident of the Neighborhood


I wrote this while at work and it was surprisingly therapeutic.  And if their house gets egged next week, it wasn't without provocation... not that I'd EVER do that.